Tonight, while grocery shopping, I received a phone call from my Doctor with test results from a biopsy that I had to have done less than 48 hours ago. They said it would take 7-10 days min for results.. When they call that soon, it's usually not good news, and it was not good news tonight.
She said, "Hello, we have your test results. It's very important we speak immediately.. Where are you?" ( I knew that was just confirming the bad vibes) I told her, and swiftly went in search of a place to sit down. She told me my test results came back extremely abnormal.. There was something called (Complex Hyperplasia with Atypia) and (Endometrial Adenocarcinoma) . Now I'm being sent to an Oncologist and they are to decide if I should have a full Hysterectomy. I fear, my love, it seems as if it's almost guaranteed that I will need a hysterectomy. The doctor said it was most likely due to the extent of things.
My Dearest little one, How I've loved you so. I've taken so many steps, small and large as I can, as I've grown.. I wanted you to have the best life possible with the most loving family. As I grew, I found various things I had collected, mentally, physically or emotionally... for you. I've got coins and things from my travels to Norway. A few heirlooms from family, they didn't always see the importance in them, but I did. Books I was saving for the days I could read to you... My father had a few different very small currencies from various countries. When I was little I always found them fascinating, I thought you might too. My mother and my father loved to read, but my mom was just addicted to books. She spent most of her nights after work and bus rides to and from every day for years and years reading everything she could get her hands on. We used to trade books, long ago. Was a fun feeling, I hoped to have that with you. I've collected books from various small town libraries, one or two hundred years old. Examining the difference in writing, and voice is so cool, at least to me.. Even if you'd have laughed at me as I bored you to death over it would have been perfect. Oh and the MUSIC! My goodness we have/had so much to explore. I longed for the day we'd dance barefoot on the carpet together, giggling and laughing. You will never know it now but I LOVE to cook and bake. I always wanted to teach you and share recipes with you. Our family this turn around has been stubborn. Much has only been passed down by word of mouth and teaching in person. Rarely written.
There is so much more to be said to you, my darling, and I'm sorry. I fear I will not get the chance to share these things with you this lifetime around. I have a few last things to say, before I end this particular note.
Love is real, no matter what they say, and no matter what you see. When it hits you, you will know, and don't ever give up on that fairy tale idea of it. It won't always be perfect, but you can have that sweep you off of your feet & take your breath away love. Don't ever give up on your dreams, even if they may seem silly. No matter how small or large, you'll be surprised what you can accomplish. Don't allow others to dull your idea of life, love, and the way things should or could be. It's the ones that "stick to their guns" that prove to the others there's more than one way.
It's still just a little too soon to say but I worry that I if I didn't write this, I'd never get it out of my head and it would drive me mad. I still have hope to meet you this time around, even though chances are slim. Just know I love you, and always will
-SM
